Last time I had a girlfriend, it was a few years ago and I lost her because of neediness/clinginess. To be fair I was going to a bout of depression and thought she was the angel that was here, to save me and inspire me. 

It sounds corny but I did fancy her in such a light. I thought she was my muse and that she would change my life. She did change my life but in a very different way from what I had envisioned, at our beginning.

She was a dancer in a club and had all kinds of dancing gigs, all over the country. At that time I was living in Shanghai, China. It all started well. I saw her for the first time at my friends birthday. 

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After that, I started chatting with her on wechat  (the much better version of whatsapp in China). One thing led to another and we started dating. Now that I think about it. We were rushing things.

Before we even had sex, we were already calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Which is ok. There’s not necessarily anything wrong with that, but I took it too far. I was infatuated with her and because the rest of my life was kind of gloomy. I held on to her for she was the only bright side I had.

Big mistake!

She was very busy, most of the time but she would still make time to see me. Even when she was not with me. She would find time to call me and/or text. Writing this story is still kind of embarrassing for me but I did learn from my shortcomings so I guess, it nullifies the “shame”

At one point I became too insecure. For whatever reason and probably a lot of low self-esteem. I started thinking that I was not good enough for her. I am not idealising her. For the most part she was good to me but I just f**** it up.

She was talking about having kids in 3 years. And I thought that could be cool. But at the same time I feared I was not enough. My business was not going anywhere at that time. 

I was depressed, in a gloomy state of mind. So naturally I started needing more of the only high, I had at that time. Unfortunately this kind of drug can be taken from you, at any given time, especially when everything you are doing is pushing that person away.

Being needy is horrible. At the beginning it's ok because the person has not realised your level of neediness... yet... But once they see that you’re at the highest level then you know that the “Game Over” will follow shortly.

I started questioning her. Asking her how much she really liked me. And if she would still like me if scenario A were to happen and what if scenario B were to happen.. 

At one point I realise she was getting distant and that’s when the rabbit hole gets real deep and steep. At that point I was supposed to back off and hold space for her. Nah I doubled down.

Shortly after, the messages were only initiated by me and going mostly, in one direction, with little to no response. If you have been there, you will relate to what I am about to say.

The long periods of time you have to wait for an answer - Every minute seems, like an hour. You are awake but all your thoughts are about that message that might or might not come. 

I got a few responses that gave me some relief but ultimately she stopped answering and started ghosting me. To be completely honest it was kind of a coward move. 

She could have talked to me and said it was over but I do understand her. I deserved the “game over” not necessarily the absence of closure.It did teach me a lot though and I am grateful to her for that magnificent lesson.

I also hope you guys and gals will understand that being needy does not pay any dividends. I am not saying you should be callous and indifferent but whatever you give, should be given without attachment.

Have a well rounded life and balanced lifestyle with a group of friends. Anybody new that comes in it, is a bonus, not the end, all be all, and only all.