IS SEX OVERRATED OR UNDERVALUED ?
IS SEX OVERRATED OR UNDERVALUED ?
- Sebastien Grynko
Is sex overrated and overvalued?
Why is sex made to be so important ?
They say sex is at least 60% of a relationship. No wonder divorce and breakup rates are so high.
Have we become complacent with sex ? Do we give up on sex ?
Yes and no.
Sex is ubiquitous. We are probably living in a time where society is at its most sexualized. You can’t escape it BUT in a society where sex is so overwhelmingly present. It seems that less people are having it at least in reality, while lots of people are “enjoying” the virtuality of sex.
Well what is the problem ?
We could argue that what I just wrote is wrong and that society has been more and more open to sex outside of marriage and sex with numerous partners during a lifetime.
And yes that could be true, but sex with more partners does not necessarily means more sex and/or better sex. So being promiscuous and playing the field don’t necessarily correlate with higher quality of sex nor better quality of sex.
A lot of elements have been helping or have been in the way of sex for the past fifty years. Feminism has supposedly liberated women from the shackles of the sexual Puritanism of thousands and thousands of years. Yet HIV/Aids has slow it down but contraception has ultimately “freed” women and men from diseases and procreation.
We could also add the rise of social media, sexting, porn and of course Tinder. All these elements have arguably made sex more liberated, accessible and convenient.
Given that our society is so “free” and so “safe” we should all be humping all the time and prostitution as an industry should have disappeared altogether.
But it isn’t the case. Not at all. So why ?
Let me give you my humble perspective.
Feminism has given women the “right” to be promiscuous and the ability to have careers, compete in the world of men and therefore possibly succeed to the highest level.
In doing so, feminism has made women indirectly more prone to be picky and more demanding when it comes to what they need from a man.
Women due to their nature, are prone to hypergamy which means, in a few simple words ... they tend to choose men of their level or above.
And that my friends, is a problem. In a society where men are less and less present in universities and more and more present in basements playing video games and jerking off.
I am exaggerating to make my point. Universities are progressively deserted by men. And women are also a better fit for certain corporate structures and hierarchy.
Which means that loads of women tend to have a higher status than most men and that limits their attraction to a shrinking pool of men. This could arguably be the demand for long term committed partners.
For short term encounters, they also have their “requirements” in term of physical shape, girth, height, clothing style and demeanor. It does not necessarily get easier.
You would be surprised to know the number of girls who go through long periods of sexual drought even though some of them would lie about it. But many just can’t find someone “attractive” enough to pry their legs open.
Contrary to men, women still suffer from promiscuous reputation or as we call it nowadays slut shaming. Men won’t have this problem but women do. They might be liberated. They might feel safe to have open sex. They might be attracted to a bunch of guys yet they are not having sex because ultimately their reputation matters more than their short term gratification.
And in the long run, they know that being called a promiscuous woman will destroy their chances of finding a mate or at least one of a high caliber.
Another thing that is preventing and hurting sex is that a lot of men are not making much of an effort to be more attractive to women and/or are clueless about how to “get” a women. This automatically dismisses them from being potential sexual suitors. It could be because they don’t care much about their career, they don’t have any self care. Physically, nutritionally, mentally and financially they are just off and it repels women and just doesn’t make their juices flow down south.
Porn is another hindrance to sex which can also be chosen as a alternative by some, to sex. I have already discussed porn to a larger extent in a another article/chapter so I won’t get too much into it but it is a major issue because sex and porn are not really compatible and/or complementary.
It is also getting harder and harder to actually meet and have the energy to mate. Men have been stripped off a lot of virility and testosterone from unsanitary environment such as a 9 to 5 job that alienates men as Marx pointed out.
It’s hard enough for men and women to meet each other after long hours of work and stress. Let alone having the energy to actually have sex.
After marriage, a lot of women tends to forsake sex altogether after the birth of children. It can also happen the other way around, man can also be forsaking sex.
Married couples or couples who have been together for a long time could suffer from this sexual drought. If one partner withhold sex, the other partner will suffer.
What can we do about all this ?
Sex is placed so high up at the pinnacle of supposedly importance for us a human being. It is a fair claim and perhaps this is why people are so dissatisfied. They expect too much from it and feeling overwhelmingly entitled.
It’s hard to settle for mediocre sex if you had multiple partners/references that were much better.
That’s the paradox of choice. When we don’t have a choice we tend to make the best of what we have.
When we have a lot of choices or at least when we think we have a lot of choices/options we tend to feel restless and unsatisfied.
Aside from the obvious fact of leading a healthier life... eating better, exercising, relieving ourselves from life stresses and excesses. We should all learn to have less lofty goals when it comes to sex. Life is not a porn movie. Sex should be put at its right place which is in the “sacredness” of intimacy.
Sex between two individuals can be transcendent and make two individuals grow if there is open communication, time and commitment.
Changing sexual partners every so often is kind of of like gambling. Win some, lose some but at the end, the casino always win. In this case, the casino is the ego.
The ego gets more fragile, more demanding, more selfish and greedy. Sex should be about giving, receiving and sharing.
Trust is essential and takes time. Sex is important. But not in the way that is it depicted these days.
Sex is not something to be achieved. It is something to share between trusted partners and use to grow in intimacy and not enmity.
- Sebastien Grynko